Now here is a sweet that is truly unjustly overlooked these days in favour of the gelatine and cheap sour-perfume scent of a conglomerate whose name I have been legally advised to remove. A marriage in pink and white; spring blossom and a wedding dress, powdered with confetti, a fine coconut ice is a joy for the eyes as well as the tongue. Even standard coconut refuseniks – and you know who you are – can’t fail to be enthralled by the perfect match of the sweet fondant with the slightly tart coconut pieces as it melts in the mouth, like two halves of a puzzle finding one another. It is both beautiful and useful.

Ingredients
9 oz sweetened condensed milk
9 oz icing sugar, sifted, plus extra for dusting
8 oz desiccated coconut
pink food colouring

Method
Mix together the condensed milk and icing sugar in a large
bowl until very stiff. Add coconut. It will not want to go.
Make it. Use your hands. If you wear rings, take them off at
this point.

Split the mix into two and knead a very small amount of
food colouring into one half. Dust a board with icing sugar,
then shape each half into a smooth rectangle and place one
on top of the other. Roll with a rolling pin, reshaping with
your hands every couple of rolls, until you have a rectangle
of two-tone coconut ice about 1 inch thick.

Transfer to a plate and leave for at least 4 hrs or ideally
overnight to set. This will keep for up to a month at least, if
stored properly. If your coconut ice lasts for a month, you
are not making it correctly.

TOOTHPICKS. Keep handy.
4 oz unsalted peanuts
4 oz golden caster sugar
2 oz butter
pinch salt
4 tsp water

Spread the peanuts in a single layer on a buttered oven tray.
Put the other ingredients in a saucepan and start to heat very
slowly, stirring all the while. When the sugar has dissolved,
increase the heat a little and stir more vigorously until a
caramel is formed. When it reaches the correct colour,
according to taste, take it off the heat, pour it over the
peanuts and leave to cool.

150g butter, softened
150g caster sugar
175g self-raising flour
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
icing, marshmallows, chocolate buttons, hundreds and thousands, edible stars, orange and lemon jelly slices, food colouring (all colours); edible gold and silver foil, candy footballs, Smarties, candy flowers, liquorice allsorts, ground almonds, toffee and chocolate sauce, jelly worms

Preheat the oven to 180°C/gas mark 4.

Line a 12-cupcake pan with cupcake papers.

Crack the eggs into a cup and beat lightly with a fork.

Place all the ingredients in a large bowl and beat with an electric mixer for two minutes, until light and creamy. Divide the mixture evenly between the cake cases.

Bake for 18–20 minutes until risen and firm to the touch. Allow to cool for a few minutes and then transfer to a wire rack.

Um, decorate.

Buy real ginger. It looks like a knobby root thing. You can ask someone if you can’t figure it out. Not that fruiterer who always asks you if you want any melons. He’s disgusting. Right, now, nick one of those medicine-measuring thingies from work. I know they’re the only ones you can figure out as long as it’s in centilitres or whatever. So do it from that. OK, now grate it. Stop looking in the mirror on the extractor fan. You’re gorgeous, and if you don’t keep stirring the mix, it’s going to set solid and you’ll get ginger biscuits. OK, here it is. And the answer is, lime curd. Mrs Darlington’s, from Penrith. You’d never have guessed in a bazillion years.

900g plain flour plus additional for dusting
4 tsp baking powder
2 tsp baking soda
11/2 tsp salt
11/2 tsp grated ginger
400g sugar
2 oz crystallized ginger, coarsely chopped
500g well-shaken buttermilk
60g unsalted butter, melted and cooled slightly
2 large eggs
1 tbsp vegetable oil
45cl lime curd

Whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and 3/4 teaspoon grated ginger in a large bowl.

Whisk together 300g sugar and remaining 3/4 teaspoon grated ginger in a shallow bowl.

Pulse remaining 100g sugar with crystallized ginger in a food processor until ginger is finely chopped.

Transfer this to a bowl and whisk in buttermilk, butter and eggs until smooth. Add buttermilk mixture to flour mixture and stir until a dough forms (dough will be sticky).

Turn out dough on to a well-floured surface and knead gently just until it comes together, 10 to 12 times, then form into a ball.

Lightly dust work surface and dough with flour, then roll out dough into a 13-inch round (about 1/3 inch thick) with a floured rolling pin.

Cut out rounds with a floured cutter and transfer to a lighly floured baking sheet. Gather scraps and reroll, then cut out additional rounds. (Reroll only once.)

Heat oil in a wide heavy pot until a splash would result in third-degree burns.

Working in batches of seven or eight, carefully add rounds, one at a time, to oil and fry, turning over once, until golden brown, one and a half to two minutes in total per batch. Transfer to paper towels to drain.

Cool slightly, then dredge in ginger sugar.

Gently slice doughnuts in half and spoon lime curd on the bottom half; top with the second half of the doughnut.

Serve three or so to a plate, garnished with slices of crystallized ginger.